Roll up your sleeves and show off your tattoo, or I just don't understand people

Maybe it's just me, but my face began to convulse and form an expression resembling confusion as I watched someone leave the subway train, and for no inexplicable reason roll up his sleeves, blatantly showing off the tattoos on his arms. They didn't even look that good. I've seen better graffiti by my old elementary school. It really just seemed like his morning routine was: wake up, brush teeth, draw fake tattoos onto arms with Shaprie. Hey, if you don't believe me, here's a (rough) transcript of the conversation I was having. With myself:

Me to self: Oh man, it's too early, why am I only half awake this morning? I ate breakfast and everything ... say, why is that guy over there rolling up his sleeves?

Self to me: It looks like he's showing off his tattoos. But it's 8 in the morning, what would possess someone to do such a thing?

Me to self: They don't even look real, maybe I should tell him.

Self to me: Are you kidding? That guy is first of all, taller than you, and I'm pretty sure the size of your arms are the the size of his arm bones. Don't get us beat up saying something stupid.

Me to self: Fine.

But now that I don't have a proper segue (or I'm just that inarticulate with the English language), let me discuss why I simply don't understand people. Maybe it's because I'm a hermit. Or a manchild. Or just Asian. Either way, I never really could read people properly. They'd say one thing, then that brain of mine begins to scramble to find something relevant to add to the conversation. It's like my brain is Googling key words from the last 8 seconds and trying to get me to say whatever the first thing that pops up out of the search engine. Usually he gets it wrong, but we've been practicing. Haven't we? Don't worry, he's getting better; it doesn't help that along with that, I have to shove a ton of readings on him to process on his off time. Lazy asshole, err, brain.

Sadly, I really am completely terrible at human interaction. I keep hearing about these signs people give during conversations - things like smiles, touch, twirls, chuckles - that I simply can't grasp! Oh ho, don't I feel clever when I feign ignorance to see if that cute girl thinks that was adorable. Problem is, I'm not feigning ignorance! Sorry, all your innuendo and subtlety is lost on me! I didn't mean it, I'm just afraid of people; interacting with people is frightening to me. That's why I seem to be years behind what some might consider a basic social skill. What do you mean I'm not supposed to pick my teeth while mid-conversation? Why can't we all just leave each other alone and then pelt rocks at each other if we want each others' attention?

Boy, this form of self-diagnosis feels so much better. I feel like I'm getting to the root of my problems. Who needs a shrink? Maybe after a few more of these, I will have transformed into a much better human being, capable of taking on the modern world and all it's challenges! For about 3 minutes. I mean, I stepped outside once, but is the sun supposed to be that bright? And that hot? I don't think I can last out there; I'll just stay in bed.

Random thoughts that might never lead anywhere:

• I actually am putting a conscious effort to not be Super Loner Man. So if I seem creepy in real life, I still am because I'm still trying to figure this out. At least it's not like driving where I'm in control of two tons of metal careening down on innocent bystanders. The only thing I might injure is your faith in humanity. There doesn't seem to be a handbook, guide or instruction manual to using this human being thing I got three Christmases ago. That might explain why I'm working on a Human Biology Major: they're the ones with the instruction manuals!
• "What is love?" Why is the response to the challenge, "Baby, don't hurt me, don't hurt me no more"? Find out next time when I try to decipher this mystery that spans millenia!
• I think the hot dog guy recognizes me now. Maybe I should switch hot dog guys.
• I'm pretty sure my alarm clock is trying to sabotage my plans of being able to wake up early enough to eat breakfast. I need to give it a stern talking to.